36. Speaking, Jack
Mindful Speaking
Jack: Today's session. We'll continue the theme of mindful speech. This is the one daily activity that perhaps has the greatest impact on the quality of our relationships. Our words carry great power. For decades, we can remember a particular conversation that made us feel really loved, heard, good about ourselves. And similarly, we're also deeply imprinted by those painful moments when someone has lashed out in a way that was wounding, disrespectful, hateful. Mindful speech begins by bringing a kind presence to what we say, and then we can speak what is both true and what is helpful.
In contrast, when we're not mindful, our communication is more often shaped by our wants and fears so it can be less truthful and often even hurtful. Take gossip. Some years ago, a friend decided not to speak about anyone he knew who wasn't present. A month later he said with astonishment, 60 percent of his conversation had been eliminated. False speech includes exaggeration and outright deception. When we're less than honest, when we mislead or pretend, we create a breach of trust, distancing ourselves and reinforcing a pattern of not being authentic.
A hospice nurse said that one of the primary regrets reported by the dying is, "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings to speak what was true to me," in other words, to be authentic. However, mindful speech is not just about being honest, but also about being kind. In mindful speaking, we become aware of what is happening within ourselves and how what we say impacts others.
The key steps that lay the groundwork for mindful speaking, and these apply to email and texts and other forms of communications, are pause if you suspect you are expressing yourself in a less than skillful way. Then ask yourself, "What is motivating me to say this? What might be the outcome if I do?" And finally reflect, "What is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?" Often by asking this question, we rewrite the text or email or speak with a more kindly, interested and caring tone.
Mindful speech can bring relationships to a new level, one that is increasingly authentic and gratifying. In the workplace, this openness, honesty, and warmth can lead to more vibrant and creative collaboration. With family and friends, it can nourish a healing intimacy. When you say something like, "I love you. You are beautiful with your whole self, not just with your mouth or your intellect," It can transform the world. So, let's practice together, starting with our core practice and then focusing on mindful speech. Allow yourself to arrive and come into stillness, collecting your attention with the breath. Take some time with your core practice, let your anchor be in the foreground breath or body, and then offer a clear and kind attention to other strong experiences as they arise.
This breath or this experience just now.
Now, as you sit, bring to mind a situation where you habitually get caught in unwise speech, it might be gossip, criticism, exaggeration, pretending, white lies. As if you were watching a movie, move through the experience up to the frame where you are on the verge of unmindful speech. As you see yourself in your mind's eye, pause before you say anything and check-in. Sense whatever feelings are most compelling. Are you anxious or excited, angry, or hurt? Ask yourself, what is your motivation in what you are about to say? Are you trying to avoid confrontation? Are you trying to gain a sense of control or power, to impress or prove yourself, to make someone like you, to protect yourself?
Then sense if you do go ahead with what you habitually say, what would be the outcome. Now, call on your wisest, most caring, self, and reflect on what your best intention is in this situation. Feeling this intention in your heart, sense how you might now express yourself in a new and different way. And now again, return for a time to your core practice of mindfulness and compassion. Breathe and center yourself just where you are. To practice mindful speech further, you might pick one situation where you'd like to speak from a more conscious place, a certain person in a specific setting. Set your intention in advance, and when the situation arises, try to slow down and fully pause. Sense where you are coming from and then ask yourself what really matters. Be patient with this, as it often takes multiple repetitions to wire in new behaviors. Consider this an experiment that in time can dramatically enrich your life and the lives of others. Kind words ripple out endlessly.
© Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield
Reprinted by permission.
Jack: Today's session. We'll continue the theme of mindful speech. This is the one daily activity that perhaps has the greatest impact on the quality of our relationships. Our words carry great power. For decades, we can remember a particular conversation that made us feel really loved, heard, good about ourselves. And similarly, we're also deeply imprinted by those painful moments when someone has lashed out in a way that was wounding, disrespectful, hateful. Mindful speech begins by bringing a kind presence to what we say, and then we can speak what is both true and what is helpful.
In contrast, when we're not mindful, our communication is more often shaped by our wants and fears so it can be less truthful and often even hurtful. Take gossip. Some years ago, a friend decided not to speak about anyone he knew who wasn't present. A month later he said with astonishment, 60 percent of his conversation had been eliminated. False speech includes exaggeration and outright deception. When we're less than honest, when we mislead or pretend, we create a breach of trust, distancing ourselves and reinforcing a pattern of not being authentic.
A hospice nurse said that one of the primary regrets reported by the dying is, "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings to speak what was true to me," in other words, to be authentic. However, mindful speech is not just about being honest, but also about being kind. In mindful speaking, we become aware of what is happening within ourselves and how what we say impacts others.
The key steps that lay the groundwork for mindful speaking, and these apply to email and texts and other forms of communications, are pause if you suspect you are expressing yourself in a less than skillful way. Then ask yourself, "What is motivating me to say this? What might be the outcome if I do?" And finally reflect, "What is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?" Often by asking this question, we rewrite the text or email or speak with a more kindly, interested and caring tone.
Mindful speech can bring relationships to a new level, one that is increasingly authentic and gratifying. In the workplace, this openness, honesty, and warmth can lead to more vibrant and creative collaboration. With family and friends, it can nourish a healing intimacy. When you say something like, "I love you. You are beautiful with your whole self, not just with your mouth or your intellect," It can transform the world. So, let's practice together, starting with our core practice and then focusing on mindful speech. Allow yourself to arrive and come into stillness, collecting your attention with the breath. Take some time with your core practice, let your anchor be in the foreground breath or body, and then offer a clear and kind attention to other strong experiences as they arise.
This breath or this experience just now.
Now, as you sit, bring to mind a situation where you habitually get caught in unwise speech, it might be gossip, criticism, exaggeration, pretending, white lies. As if you were watching a movie, move through the experience up to the frame where you are on the verge of unmindful speech. As you see yourself in your mind's eye, pause before you say anything and check-in. Sense whatever feelings are most compelling. Are you anxious or excited, angry, or hurt? Ask yourself, what is your motivation in what you are about to say? Are you trying to avoid confrontation? Are you trying to gain a sense of control or power, to impress or prove yourself, to make someone like you, to protect yourself?
Then sense if you do go ahead with what you habitually say, what would be the outcome. Now, call on your wisest, most caring, self, and reflect on what your best intention is in this situation. Feeling this intention in your heart, sense how you might now express yourself in a new and different way. And now again, return for a time to your core practice of mindfulness and compassion. Breathe and center yourself just where you are. To practice mindful speech further, you might pick one situation where you'd like to speak from a more conscious place, a certain person in a specific setting. Set your intention in advance, and when the situation arises, try to slow down and fully pause. Sense where you are coming from and then ask yourself what really matters. Be patient with this, as it often takes multiple repetitions to wire in new behaviors. Consider this an experiment that in time can dramatically enrich your life and the lives of others. Kind words ripple out endlessly.
© Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield
Reprinted by permission.