Tara: Mindfulness is a way of listening to our lives, taking in what's happening with the receptive and kind awareness. When we purposely bring mindfulness to listen to each other we nourish our relationships in a wonderful way. As one teacher put it, “Offering our attention is the deepest expression of love.” Whether it's with colleagues at work, with our boss, our students, our children, listening enables us to respond to others and to life circumstances from our deepest intelligence and resourcefulness.

But so often we may be physically present but not really listening. A minister describes giving a sermon and noticing two teenage girls in the back giggling. He announced sternly, “There are two of you here who haven't heard a word I've said.” They immediately went silent. After the service as he was saying goodbye to people at the front door, three different adults apologized for dozing off and not listening, promising it would never happen again.

The International Listening Association says we're distracted, preoccupied or forgetful about 75% of the time someone's speaking to us. Their studies show that immediately after listening to someone we usually recall only about a half of what we've heard. So, what's distracting us? What keeps us from mindful listening? There are two basic habits I'd like to talk about that get in the way and one is wanting. While someone is talking to us in our own minds we may be in some ways seeking their approval, wanting something from them, wanting to change them, wanting them to agree with us. Often we're planning what we're going to say and thinking of ways to assert our views, wanting in some way to direct the conversation and maybe waiting for them to be done. When we have an agenda, when we're wanting something, we're unable to truly listen to what another is saying.

Feeling judgment and aversion also interferes with mindful listening. We might not like what's being said, or maybe we're irritated that our time is being wasted or maybe we feel we're being judged by the other person, or maybe we just don't like what they're saying. Author Carol Mateo writes, “The dying process begins the minute you're born but it accelerates during dinner parties.” Sometimes we're simply distracted by other things going on in our life. But whether we're distracted by inner or outer circumstances, mindful listening goes out the window and we miss an opportunity for full human connection.

Just like formal mindfulness practice, mindful listening has several key components. The first is intention. If we want to really hear what another is saying we need to consciously intend to listen to them. A second key to maintaining mindful listening is having an anchor for remaining present, perhaps our body sensations or breath. A body-centered anchor helps us know when we've drifted into our own thoughts and gives us a support in staying present in our senses.

The third key in attending to what's being communicated is an attitude of openness, friendliness, and curiosity. Poet Mark Nepo writes, “To listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.” After a training and mindful listening a young woman, Kate decided to practice while visiting her mother. They'd had a strange relationship and Kate saw her mother as self-absorbed and judgmental. At first mindful listening was really difficult because her mother talked incessantly about herself or gossiped about friends and family. So, mindful of her own impatience and frustration, Kate coached herself to stay curious, mentally whispering,

“What's beyond the words? Can I hear who she is?”

As she listened she began to perceive her mother's insecurity, her need for attention, and to feel like she mattered. Letting in that pain, Kate's heart softened and her presence deepened. A few days later when her mother complained that her friends never had enough time for her Kate gently said, “Mom, it's because you don't listen to people.” In the past her mother would have been defensive but Kate had been so unwavering in her presence that she was open and Kate's message went right to her heart. “Tell me more about that, I need to know,” she said. Not only had her connection with Kate deepened but the depth of listening she had received from her daughter had primed her to make a real shift in how she related to others.

When we're really listened to our natural creativity, intelligence, humor, and heart come forward in a spontaneous way and we can express who we really are. Your family members want to be listened to, your employees and boss, your students and teachers. You could even say the plants in your garden want your listening. The gift of mindful listening is a healing balm, it's a pathway to deepening understanding, trust, and love.

Please settle into a comfortable seated position. Briefly scan your body and if you feel any obvious areas of tension, bring a soft awareness to the place of tightness. Breathing with your experience, notice if there might be a natural loosening or letting go. Now, let your awareness open out into the space around you. Imagine receiving the symphony of sounds, letting it wash through you. See if you can listen to the changing play of sounds, not just with your ears but with your whole awareness. With that same receptivity, listening and feeling inwardly sense the sensations and the aliveness that fill your body. Now let all your senses be wide open, your body and mind relaxed and receptive.

Inwardly pause and ask yourself, “What is my intention?”

Let yourself feel your sincere wish to listen with a receptive heart. You might also sense an anchor for presence, your breath, the sensations in your body has a support. Now imagine that person talking and you are listening to the words and more deeply, to who this person is. Sense the possibility of letting go of all distractions and offering your full attention, your full interest, and care. Become an open, empty, tender space of listening presence. Now for this last minute or so, return to your core practice. Bring a light attention to the breath or your primary anchor, and when some strong feeling or sound calls your attention, including what's arising with an open receptive listening presence.

© Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield
Reprinted by permission.